That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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