closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
