Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
