I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
So gin and wine won't be happening again
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Randomize
