Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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