ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
