i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
