Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
