I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Randomize
