In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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