we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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