Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
