i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i dont even know how to be here
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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