I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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