Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
