I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
My life is pants optional.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
