I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
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