i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
