i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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