My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
