Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
