remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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