Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
