At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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