I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
