Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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