you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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