Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
