This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
