So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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