i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
