So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
