as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I could make wine with my vomit
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
