At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
