last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
The best revenge is premature balding
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Randomize
