apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
