i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
