i wish there were pregnant emoticons
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
