the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
