On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
