if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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