Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
