Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
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