you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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