When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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