when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I'm jealous of your bromance
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
