I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
This show inspires me to have sex in space
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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