he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Randomize
