My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
