just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
